Confirmation number 26420. That is a number that I probably won't ever forget. It is a means of survival for me.
Where do I begin? I'm living and breathing.
"This might hurt. It's not safe. I just know I have to make a change. Just okay is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of this life. I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day without your all consuming passionate side of me." -Matthew West.
In recent days, I've been bored out of my mind. I have been so lazy and anxious. I've lost faith. I've wondered for many hours how I will make a living. I have bills bills bills and no income in the check book just yet. Thankfully, on March 9th, I'll begin classes to become a CNA. During those 3 wks I'll be getting paid to take the classes. After the 3 weeks I'll officially become employed by Tabitha. My wage will be bumped up too on that day! I'm really excited to work and share the love of the Lord with the Elders at Tabitha. So, what is Tabitha? Well, Tabitha, a Christian provider of rural and urban health and related services for older adults, delivers a comprehensive system of compassionate care promoting the dignity, independence and health of Elders.
It's so mind boggling to think that just 2 months ago I was sitting in the classroom with a pencil in my hand not really worried about this moment that I'm living. But now that this moment has arrived I'm so worried about how I'll make it in life. I'm longing for better community. I guess I'm insecure. The only thing I can do right now is to go back to that moment of Truth when I first talked to Jesus. Through this journey of life, I've had glimpses of God's Pure Goodness. In this life of course, such glimpses are never perfect and complete. Yet when they come, they make the spirit soar and give genuine hope that God will accomplish his final and perfect purpose in the world.
In The Problem of Pain C.S. Lewis wrote, "The Christian Doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ectasy." Lewis did not have to look for an explanation of this curious fact. If we start to feel secure, Lewis argued, we will try to make the world our permanent home. The world itself will then become an obstacle to our return to God. But, "a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasent inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."
Can you testify to Lewis point? Have there been occasions when, in the oddest of times and places, you simply knew, in the depths of your soul, that God has been doing something so wonderful in your life that you cannot fathom it? Or when you are in worship and suddenly know God is glorious beyond measure? Have you been hiking in the mountains and see that God is making all things new?
Through brief experiences like these it gives me glimpses of God's tangible goodness and puts in me an intense longing to know God better. Paul wrote, "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
"We never do know how things will work out, but we know that God will work them out. He will work them out for our redemption. We will fall in love, change jobs, bury loved ones, say good-bye to children, move to faraway cities, raise cats, lose a fortune on the stock market, go to war, and end up living in Singapore. Sometimes we will choose to put God first; sometimes we will choose not to. Still, somehow God will work things out for our good, both because that is his nature and because that is his will for our lives." -Jerry Sittser
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